The butter to my bread, the breath to my life...

With the deployment just a couple months away, I am discovering that the closer that it gets, the more that the littlest stuff sends me into tears. Darren has been in the field for six days now. It wouldn't be so bad, except that his unit keeps saying "any day now you will go home". And every day he doesn't. I can't talk to him, I can't see him (even though he is literally like six miles away), and we are both in limbo. It is the most agonizing thing in the world. I have also been bitter, cynical, snappy, and every other negative thing you can think of. But, according to the Marine Corps, this is normal pre-deployment behavior. Except that I feel horrible because I have mostly been taking it out on Darren. And with him in the field right now, I have come to the realization that one day he might not be there. And I can't have all of this guilt in me for being so mean. He is an angel; not once has he taken out HIS stress on me. I feel incredibly selfish because HE is the one that is going into a war zone, and here I am taking out my stress on him. Every time I get mean and pessimistic, all he does is sit there and tell me that everything is going to be alright. The man is optimistic to a fault. And I normally am too, but I have a tendency to blow the tiniest things WAY out of proportion. I don't deserve him. I know that. But I am so grateful that I do. He balances me and keeps me in check in a way no one else ever has. No matter what I say or what I do, he is there, an ever-present guardian. He cuddles with me when I have been horrible, he smiles and says I love you at all of the right times. I have noticed that the closer this deployment gets, the more I seem to be trying to distance myself from him, even though I'm not trying to. I think it's because I am soooooo bad with goodbyes. Maybe I am mentally trying to get used to him not being around, even though he still is. I hate myself for this, and I have never said it aloud, let alone put it in black and white. But I am the kind of person that you have to push and push and push to finally get me to open up to you, and push harder still to get me to stay. Darren got me to stay. And now he is leaving. In some small way, I think I am mad at him for that. I shouldn't be; I put up with my dad's deployments every six months for most of my life. But it just FEELS different when it's the man you love, the man you want to have children with. I dunno, maybe I'm crazy. All I know is that this man that I am so blessed to have in my life, is leaving me. Not intentionally, I understand the contract, I signed the damn thing myself. I hate this feeling. It's like a weight on my shoulders that is always there, that never goes away, and it always hanging over my head. Maybe things will get better after he deploys. I will learn to get used to him not being there, and I will learn how to live without him in time. He will come back. He has to. Because in his words "I have you to come home to. I'm not giving that up without a fight."

There is NOTHING to blog about.

I have bitched and moaned about Darren being in Viper so much I feel drained. But then today, I got yet another blow. The clothing allowance and per diem for the two Pendleton fiasco didn't all come in so we didn't get as much as we needed to get home for pre-deployment leave. AAAHHHH!!!! I am sooooooo sick of this base! Nothing that they do they can do right. It's maddening! And to top it all off, Darren has no phone, because he decided to leave it here, and now he has to highjack random Marine's (or Corpsman) phones to call. So now I have no way to tell him about the paycheck. Ugh. AND...he doesn't know when he is coming home now! Originally, it was three days. But now according to his company's "leaders" they don't know. I'm sooooooo sick of being lonely. The hardest part is knowing he's only like ten miles from me and I can't see or talk to him.

On a lighter note, I got the Wildblue crap taken care of, and I am finally getting my money back. Money they took out of my bank account without my knowledge or authorization, mind you. The background: Wildblue is a REALLY BAD satellite internet company that charges outrageous prices (like 60 bucks a month for pretty much dial up speed) and gives you a cap on "how much internet you can use, because other people need to use it too". REALLY??? You're going to charge me that much and not even let me use all the internet I want! Anyways, I cancelled my service, because I am a genius, and I never signed a contract (mwahahaha) and they went in my checking account and TOOK 300 dollars of my paycheck. Now, for anyone who is a Lance Corporal's wife, you know that you don't really make enough money to have someone take 300 of it. Even with my job, that's a crapton of money. Well, they took it because they said that I never sent my equipment back, which is crap, because I had. They researched, and found that they had given me the wrong tracking number for the package they sent me, and lost my shit. Oh wow. These are the most intelligent people in the entire world don't ya think?!?! Anyways, long rambling short, I am getting my greenbacks back and I am happy once again, because I am going to put that towards mine and Darren's home fund!!! Maybe we actually WILL make it!

What I'm worried about right now

Getting fired because I ran my freaking mouth about a Marine who has been lying about coming to work late. Higher marine found out that lying marine is in extended care for his kids daycare, and should have been to work at 0530. Not really my fault because said higher marine has kids in extended care also. So he saw tlying marine's kids, all I said was most dual military is in extended care. But still. Crap. Go me.

And so starts the countdown...

Darren isn't home. Again. He's in the field for three days. Manwich for dinner. Two months till deployment.

These are the reasons why being a Marine wife sucks...

• You're husband is pretty much never home, especially as it gets closer and closer to deployment.
• You need a general power of attorney to do ANYTHING financially related. (Word to the wise: Special military POAs are useless pieces of paper.)
• Deployments are a minimum six months. Boo.
• You have the potential to get stationed somewhere really bad (like where I'm at)
• There's no such thing as a nine to five work schedule. (unless you're a paper pusher, which according to my husband, are not actual Marines.)
• There's always the possibility that he might not come home.

And, these are the reasons why being a Marine wife rocks:

• You get super proud of your husband because he is the reason why people can do the stupid things they do and not die.
• It is perfectly acceptable to scream and get redneck-showdown when someone dogs the U.S. military.
• You get to travel (I'm not going to get to do this being a wife, but I did get to as a Navy daughter)
• You have the potential to get stationed somewhere fabulous like Kaneohe Bay in Hawaii, or Iwakuni, Japan. Who doesn't love Japanese food!
• You get a bubbly feeling when someone thanks your husband for their service.
• You get an even bubblier feeling when someone thanks YOU for your (sometimes ultimate) sacrifice.
• The homecomings are always worth the wait.