The butter to my bread, the breath to my life...

With the deployment just a couple months away, I am discovering that the closer that it gets, the more that the littlest stuff sends me into tears. Darren has been in the field for six days now. It wouldn't be so bad, except that his unit keeps saying "any day now you will go home". And every day he doesn't. I can't talk to him, I can't see him (even though he is literally like six miles away), and we are both in limbo. It is the most agonizing thing in the world. I have also been bitter, cynical, snappy, and every other negative thing you can think of. But, according to the Marine Corps, this is normal pre-deployment behavior. Except that I feel horrible because I have mostly been taking it out on Darren. And with him in the field right now, I have come to the realization that one day he might not be there. And I can't have all of this guilt in me for being so mean. He is an angel; not once has he taken out HIS stress on me. I feel incredibly selfish because HE is the one that is going into a war zone, and here I am taking out my stress on him. Every time I get mean and pessimistic, all he does is sit there and tell me that everything is going to be alright. The man is optimistic to a fault. And I normally am too, but I have a tendency to blow the tiniest things WAY out of proportion. I don't deserve him. I know that. But I am so grateful that I do. He balances me and keeps me in check in a way no one else ever has. No matter what I say or what I do, he is there, an ever-present guardian. He cuddles with me when I have been horrible, he smiles and says I love you at all of the right times. I have noticed that the closer this deployment gets, the more I seem to be trying to distance myself from him, even though I'm not trying to. I think it's because I am soooooo bad with goodbyes. Maybe I am mentally trying to get used to him not being around, even though he still is. I hate myself for this, and I have never said it aloud, let alone put it in black and white. But I am the kind of person that you have to push and push and push to finally get me to open up to you, and push harder still to get me to stay. Darren got me to stay. And now he is leaving. In some small way, I think I am mad at him for that. I shouldn't be; I put up with my dad's deployments every six months for most of my life. But it just FEELS different when it's the man you love, the man you want to have children with. I dunno, maybe I'm crazy. All I know is that this man that I am so blessed to have in my life, is leaving me. Not intentionally, I understand the contract, I signed the damn thing myself. I hate this feeling. It's like a weight on my shoulders that is always there, that never goes away, and it always hanging over my head. Maybe things will get better after he deploys. I will learn to get used to him not being there, and I will learn how to live without him in time. He will come back. He has to. Because in his words "I have you to come home to. I'm not giving that up without a fight."